In this Article:
- What are the real dangers of ultra-processed foods?
- Are FPro food ratings actually helpful, or just marketing hype?
- How have food companies engineered addiction into your meals?
- Why are healthier food choices so hard to make?
- Can shopping smarter and growing your own food really help?
How to Rate a Cheesecake: The Ultra-Processed Food Circus
by Robert Jennings, Innerself.com
I recently read an article on Medscape about ultra-processed carbs. I have been interested in and written about this topic for some time, and there is something new. So here goes.
There’s nothing like a groundbreaking algorithm to shine a glaring, fluorescent light on the grocery aisles of our modern dystopia. Enter the FPro score, the latest tool to tell us what we already know: most of what we eat is junk. Developed by some very earnest scientists, this algorithm scores food from "organic ground beef" purity (a pristine 0) to the villainous "Wonder Hamburger Bun" (an almost comical 0.999). It’s like Yelp, but for your digestive system.
The Machine That Knows You’re Screwed
The FPro score uses machine learning to eliminate the guesswork from labeling ultra-processed foods. Instead of relying on your gut instinct (pun intended) or the good ol’ Potter Stewart “I know it when I see it” test, this algorithm scours ingredient lists and spits out a number. How convenient. Because when I’m standing in a grocery aisle debating between "Edwards Desserts Original Whipped Cheesecake" (0.953) and "Pearl River Mini No Sugar Added Cheesecake" (0.720), what I need is a score to confirm I’m doomed either way.
The creators argue this will “empower” consumers. Empower us to do what, exactly? Spend double on the “healthier” cheesecake and feel morally superior while still overindulging. Great.
The Real Problem with Ultra-processed Foods
Let’s face it: the issue isn’t that these foods contain unpronounceable additives like “palm kernel oil with TBHQ for freshness” (because who doesn’t love their oil fresh?). The real problem is cravability—a polite way of saying, “We made this so addictive you’ll eat an entire bag in one sitting and still crave more.” These foods are engineered by brilliant scientists to bypass your better judgment and turn your brain into a carnival of dopamine fireworks.
The tobacco companies taught them well. In fact, the lineage is obvious: from nicotine to high-fructose corn syrup, they’ve mastered the art of feeding addictions. Freud’s nephew Edward Bernays—father of modern advertising—would be so proud.
Let’s Talk About That Rating System
Does anyone genuinely believe that slapping an FPro score on a package will change consumer behavior? Most people don’t read the nutrition label, let alone decode the hieroglyphics of a machine-learning algorithm. If anything, this feels like a PR stunt by the food industry. “Look, we’re transparent now! We care about your health!” Meanwhile, their brightly colored, cartoon-plastered boxes keep flying off the shelves.
It’s not that the FPro system is useless. It’s just that it’s like bringing a spray bottle to a forest fire. The real culprits—marketing, misinformation, and engineered addiction—are the inferno we should be addressing. But hey, let’s focus on whether Doritos are worse than Tostitos (spoiler: they both have you hooked).
The Not So Easy Solution
What’s the real fix? Glad you asked
So, you want to escape the processed food circus? The kale-and-quinoa-paved road to salvation is littered with Doritos crumbs, but if you’re brave enough, here’s how you can claw your way out. Spoiler: It’s going to require some sacrifices—and maybe a chicken or two.
First, shop the perimeter of the grocery store. That’s where they hide the “real food,” like fruits, veggies, meat, and dairy. These foods don’t scream at you with neon packaging or offer “new and improved flavors” because, well, they don’t need to. You won’t find a talking carrot convincing your kids it’s “xtreme,” and there’s no prize at the bottom of a chicken breast. Stick to the outer aisles unless you’re there for toilet paper or existential despair. And if you find yourself drifting toward the center aisles, just remember: that’s where happiness goes to die, surrounded by bags of chips and jars of cheese-like substances.
Now, for the sake of your sanity and your cart’s dignity, leave your family at home. Nothing derails a noble quest for healthy eating faster than a husband chucking a family-sized bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos into the cart with a look that says, What? It’s for the kids. And speaking of kids, if you think you can bring them along without ending up in a pitched battle over neon-colored cereals shaped like rainbows and teeth-rotting dreams, bless your optimism. Grocery shopping is not a democracy—it’s a dictatorship, and you’re in charge.
Once you’ve wrestled your cart through the gauntlet of temptation, it’s time to unplug and grow. No, really—turn off the TV, toss your phone into a drawer, and plant a garden. There’s nothing like weeding for three hours to make you appreciate the convenience of packaged salad mix, but hey, this is about principles. If you’re feeling ambitious, get a cow. You’ll finally have an answer to that age-old question: Got milk? You’ll also need some chickens for eggs, which sounds idyllic until you realize they poop everywhere and think you’re plotting against them.
Of course, if you’re ready to go full homesteader, you’ll need to reframe your social life. Goodbye Friday-night margaritas; hello barnyard chores. Don’t worry, though—once you’ve milked a cow at dawn, you’ll have a deep sense of pride and a suspicious new smell that no amount of soap can erase.
Lastly, let’s address the elephant in the room—or rather, the seven billion humans. If the population falls by 75%, many of these food companies will close, and we will have to depend on our farmer neighbors. Population control might sound drastic, but have you noticed that the universe is already working on that? Between climate change, plagues, natural disasters, and everyone’s inability to agree on anything, nature’s doing its best to thin the herd. Who are we to argue? All we can do is our part: eat better, live simpler, and hope the cosmos spares us from the wrath of yet another “pumpkin spice” season.
And there you have it: the not-so-easy blueprint for escaping the ultra-processed food trap. Will you end up healthier, happier, and self-sufficient? Maybe, maybe not, but you’ll have a cow, some chickens, and the satisfaction of knowing you tried. That’s got to count for something until someone steps up to stop the fraud.
Who Wins?
Not us. Not the consumer standing in the aisle, agonizing over whether a 0.720 cheesecake is worth twice the price of a 0.953 cheesecake. The real winners are the food giants, laughing all the way to the bank. As for the rest of us? Well, we’re stuck navigating a world where the cheapest calories are also the most deadly.
Maybe the FPro score will help a few enlightened shoppers. But for the rest of us, the beat goes on—processed, packaged, and perfectly engineered to keep us hooked. Bon appétit.
About the Author
Robert Jennings is the co-publisher of InnerSelf.com, a platform dedicated to empowering individuals and fostering a more connected, equitable world. A veteran of the U.S. Marine Corps and the U.S. Army, Robert draws on his diverse life experiences, from working in real estate and construction to building InnerSelf with his wife, Marie T. Russell, to bring a practical, grounded perspective to life’s challenges. Founded in 1996, InnerSelf.com shares insights to help people make informed, meaningful choices for themselves and the planet. More than 30 years later, InnerSelf continues to inspire clarity and empowerment.
Creative Commons 4.0
This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 License. Attribute the author Robert Jennings, InnerSelf.com. Link back to the article This article originally appeared on InnerSelf.com
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Article Recap
This article unpacks the ultraprocessed food dangers lurking in everyday diets and critiques the flaws in the FPro food rating system. From addictive additives to misleading marketing, the food industry's tactics are revealed. Learn actionable strategies to make healthier choices, shop the perimeter of grocery stores, and resist the engineered cravings designed to keep you hooked.
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